The Church with No Name - Part 2

“Even though we think we are after happiness, we are actually trying to find what we are most used to.” - The Mountain Is You

On the outside, my life looked wonderful. I had a beautiful wife and two precious little girls. We lived on a quiet street on big lot with a literal white picket fence in the front yard. I was working my way up in my father-in-law’s company, learning the family business and now we were at the helm of this thriving, new church plant that was quickly gaining momentum.

-Things aren’t always what they seem-

At that point in my journey, I believed that in order to lead people I needed to have my life together. And if my life wasn’t completely together, I sure as heck better present as though it was. [Word to the wise: this mindset always ends in disaster. You will find yourself avoiding your issues, minimizing awareness of your own dysfunction and ultimately buying your own B.S. narrative that everything is much better than it actual is. Guilty as charged 🙋🏻‍♂️.]

Reality ~ I was over-worked, under-paid and financially barely getting by. My wife had suffered from ongoing health issues for years that had left us both spread incredibly thin. She had just started to recover in the months preceding that first gathering. I was a dysfunctional “rescuer” and believed I could handle far more than what was actually possible. At times I was the full time caretaker for both her and my children while also attempting to eek out a living. I told myself I was ‘loving’ my wife like “Christ loved the church” when in actuality I was stroking my own spiritual ego, “proving” my faithfulness day in and day out.

I weirdly victimized myself as the hero… so consumed in saving everyone else that there was little time to actually address my own shortcomings. ‘How could my career progress? I’m too busy filling all these gaps.’ ‘How can I get ahead financially? I’m too consumed in taking care of everyone.’ ‘I know I dropped that ball, but don’t you dare judge me… just look at everything else I’m doing!’ I minimized, justified, covered and hid… I focused on the things that were thriving while ignoring the things that were crumbling. I was 31 years old and the truth is I was broke, over-committed and still had no idea what I wanted to do with my life.

So. Much. Denial.

I was working 60+ hours a week for the family business. I was planting a church and THEN… get this… I decided I should go to med school! Wha?! Yes! True story. So I went back to school, taking accelerated science courses and labs trying to complete my prerequisites for admission. And the entire thing was one, giant, orgasmic RUSH. I was an adrenaline junkie, looking for the next fix. The more impossible the odds, the more energized I became. The downward spiral of my world felt like the thrill of a lifetime.